Inventions for new parents and their babies

• Eyes wide open or shut? scanning device: Mounts on crib, sends signal to baby monitor to indicate if the baby’s eyes are open or not. Helps you determine if the baby is crying in his sleep or if he actually has woken up and needs attention.
• Breastmilk flow meter and gauge: Measures how many ounces baby has eaten and length of feeding to help parents calculate eating rates and amounts. Works automagically without interfering with the all-important breastfeeding latch. Deluxe version stores one year’s worth of data and displays analytical graphs.
• Stomach and intestinal gas transporter device: Removes gas from baby’s digestive system using Star Trek transporter technology.
• Shower noise filtering device: Eliminates “everything sounds like a baby crying when you are taking a shower” syndrome. You’ll only hear a baby cry when the baby actually cries.
• Miniature timers to stick on baby’s clothes: One for “time since last diaper change,” one for “time since last feeding,” and one for “time since last awakening”. Aids overwhelmed parents who forget the “diaper, food, nap” cycles during the turmoil of incessant crying. Can be set to beep if a consistent schedule is desired. (Similar to the the tempo time tag.)
• Diaper content detector: Indicator on diaper reveals what has transpired inside and how much. Includes early warning system for leaks and blowouts.
• Back-of-head baby toupee: Does your baby suffer from the embarrassing baldness that can accompany the “back to sleep” directive? Is there more hair decorating his crib mattress than there is on the back of his head? Cover up that embarrassing bald patch with the specially designed Baby Toupee. Helps parents avoid annoying comments from the older generation unaccustomed to the side effects that plague the younger “back to sleep” generation. Virtually undetectable! From the makers of “Tummy Time, my ass!” Not affiliated with the Ronco GLH Formula Number 9 Hair System.